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I gotta ask - MC Snukipuff Saves Hip-Hop!

About I gotta ask

Previous Entry I gotta ask Oct. 5th, 2013 @ 07:31 pm
Seriously, what is the point in living if the people you loved the dearest hate you and spurn you? I am cast out, I am exiled. I don't have anybody left, no offense to my friends and my distant family but I just don't have anybody left who I love so deeply anymore. It would be one thing if they had died or if we were forced to be apart but that's not it at all, I am just loathed and despised. And if the people I admire and love the most think I am completely worthless then what the hell am I supposed to think? This is horrible, it really is. The more rest I get, the more sober I get, the more I am drawn to the inexorable conclusion that I am just a terrible human being who is a blight on existence. I don't know why, and maybe that's the problem in the first place, my brain is wired wrong. I'm so fucked up that what I think is me being kind and loving is actually horrible. I fly between confusion and abject misery at the notion, I don't know what kind of creature I am anymore. B died on me, that I could sort of handle, that was horrible but it was out of anyone's control. G went mental and screwed me over, or that's how I saw it, now I can't even be sure of that. C never wanted me, I was just never good enough for her and the few times in life where we might have tried to have a go at it we mixed signals or were otherwise occupied. And Cathy, well, I was so fucked up by the time Cathy came along that I was hopeless, I guess. But now I'm better, and I keep trying to appeal to her just to give me the time of day and she won't. So that's what I'm left with, either I pick up the scraps of my life and patch together some shadow of the dreams I once had or I just give up and wander off into the wilderness. I'm not sure which I'm going to do, honestly, but my heart has been broken so many times in life that I am astounded that I can still even think. The pain is so great in me and so constant that I barely manage to see through my tears to type these cathartic things, and they don't really help. All I want is some human contact from someone I have invested my entire soul in. And I'm not worth that.
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